Why Do I Play Poker?

February 23, 2010

Pay the man his money. Eric Schwartz – $100 richer.

Filed under: Online Poker, Poker, Texas Hold'em — Tags: , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 3:43 pm

It’s time to pay up, just like KGB said in Rounders so many years ago. Eric Schwartz is the winner of one hundred American dollars for his submission to whydoiplaypoker. Thanks to everybody who submitted.  We learned a lot.  Mostly, that people don’t want to submit their stories.  This is why Eric Schwartz will be the first and last recipient of our monthly giveaway.  Feel free to continue to submit,  were just not paying anymore.

But we do want to share Eric’s submission.   So here goes…

Why do I play poker?

Two Words.

Mel Fucking Gibson.

Mel Fucking paternal holocaust-denying (fine, Mister Christian.  I’m a crucifixion denier.  Who’s got the photographic evidence?) Gibson.

Mad Douchebag Max, no matter how batshit insane, no matter how much the asshole no matter many whiskeys beyond Thunderdome he rides, will always get the better table at Spago or whateverthefuck ” in” place there is now, which I wouldn’t know about because I’m not Mel Shrimping the Malibu Barbie Gibcuntson.

Because in life,  money, power, they play.  They play always.  Guaranteed if Mother Theresa and Mel Gibfelch wanted front and center at the Bon Jovi reunion, the wrinkled nun would be hanging with the lepers in coach.  By lepers, I mean me, except I fucking hate Bon Jovi, probably because he’d get the seats right next to Mel Gibanalslurp.

But sit Mel Downundereater next to me at Hollywood Park and we have a different situation.  At the table, we are equal.  For at the table, money?  Power? Irrelevant.  What matters is the cards.  And cards change every hand.  That means fortune changes every hand.  I’m a songwriter.  I wait for inspiration.  I hope for talent.  I pray for flashes of brilliance, for the perfect song.  These things might never come.  But you wait long enough, you sit long enough, you are patient enough and have a big enough bankroll to survive the doubts, droughts and suck-outs, you WILL find yourself looking at the corners of two cards, bent upwards underneath your unwashed thumb, with As on them.  And when you do, and when Mister Cockodile Dundee whips out his uncircumcised, latex-ignorant kangadong and throws it on the table, you can chop that motherfucker off and smile all the way up the  405.

And that is why I play poker.

Thanks Eric!   See you at the tables!

Stay tuned for our aboutface at whydoipoker.net!

Wow that was a shitload of exclamation points!

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January 30, 2010

Free Online Poker – a safe way to be on full tilt

Filed under: Bad Beats, Full Tilt Poker, Online Poker, Poker — Tags: , , , , , , — WhyDoIPlayPoker @ 9:01 am

I am not a fan of free poker. It’s an oxymoron. Poker by its very definition needs to be played for money. If it doesn’t hurt to lose, it’s not poker.

That said, I have come to realize there is a time and place for the free online game.

In order to win in poker, you have to be controlled, disciplined, smart and lucky. As we all know, you can be at the top of your game, do everything right, and still lose. That’s one of the most frustrating things about poker. Do everything right, but still lose.

After a week’s worth of losing, either due to bad playing (probably) or bad beats (unlikely) I really want to say “fuck it” to good play.  This discipline, control and smart play hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so I think.

Enter FREE ONLINE POKER.

Talk about going all in with impunity. This is the place. 9-2 off UTG, sure. All in. Flop is A-A-K and I have pocket deuces. Fuck it. ALL IN!

This is where I go when I just can’t take it anymore. I can act like a jack ass. Push with junk. Call with junk. Act like a donkey. I get all of this out of my system. Welcome to the donkey farm.

Truthfully, I’m not happy until until at least six people are wishing cancer on me in the chat window. “What?  You want to play real poker? Get two nickels to rub together, assholes!”  I’m here for a purpose. This is free poker and I’m going all in every hand until I damn well feel and or play better.

Besides, I don’t feel as bad making a bunch of jerks hate me as I do after kicking the dog or punching a wall.  Ouch.  For the record, I never punched my dog. I did call him a douchebag once.

After 15 minutes of being this poker maniac, I feel better. The best part is I worked out some frustration and my bankroll is still intact.

I occasionally play free on-line poker to shake off the shit and stress from my real game.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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January 29, 2010

Full Tilt’s Rush Poker – A lesson in focus…..I think.

Filed under: Full Tilt Poker, Online Poker, Poker, Texas Hold'em — Tags: , , , , , , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 5:00 am

I wish I could tell you a surefire strategy to beat the online poker site’s new game.  But I can’t.  Not even close. I have no idea how to win in that game.  I think it starts with a raise and then I’m not sure where to go from there. Maybe a little patience might give you a leg up.  What do I know?  I’ve logged in for forty five minutes and played more hands than my first six months of poker combined.

The thing that hit me most about Full Tilt’s Rush poker is how important it is not to look back.  In Rush, there is no way to see how the hand would’ve ended.  You’re whisked away to another table.  You have a new decision to make. You don’t have time to think about what went right or wrong in the last hand.

Unlike regular poker, in Rush there is no “What if?” because the hand really doesn’t exist anymore. There’s not even a way to see “What if?” Actually, this is great, because if there ever were a shitty game, it’s  ”What if?”   It’s a subtle variation on the timeless classic “Would’ve, should’ve, could’ve.” Actually, it’s the same game with a different title.  Kinda like playing NYC Monopoly or Grateful Dead Monopoly.  Same game, different theme.

Now I’m not saying there isn’t a place for reflection about your game or your life.  It’s essential.  Just not at the table.

I always have to remember to be in the moment at the poker table. That’s the only thing that matters right now. Who cares if my KQ would have made a straight? Thinking about it only distracts me from the hand at hand. It’s a recipe to compound my losses or, if I’m basking in the glory of an amazing play, minimize my wins.

So I’m going to keep playing Rush. Stay focused and try to avoid writing blog posts while I’m doing it.  Because at  300 hands an hour, it’s damn near impossible.

I play poker to help me stay focused in the present.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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January 27, 2010

Poker Therapy

Filed under: Home Game, Online Poker, Poker, Winning Streak — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 11:05 am

In elementary school I got beat up everyday by Jarett Moore. We were about the same size, but for some reason when he picked on me, I wouldn’t fight back.

Thirty years later the sense of shame for never fighting back is still palpable. Actually, it’s embarrassing and haunting. The only comfort I have in these memories is that by not fighting back I probably avoided living my life with a limp. Had I somehow managed to level Jarett, his brother or one of his 57 cousins would have removed my head and shat down my throat. R.I.P.

After thirty years on the shrink’s couch, I have finally learned to stand up for myself, though sometimes my timing is bad. Whenever there is a bully at the poker table, I always have the same knee jerk reaction: you’re not going to push me around. This is great when I have the nuts, but when I am on a stone cold bluff and Joe Bully re-raises, this reaction is a recipe for disaster.

Problem is, I never believe people’s bets. My rational brain thinks there is a chance I am beat, but my alligator brain says, EAT THAT FISH. You see, I have this gift. With 99% accuracy, I can mistakenly think someone is bullying me when they are not.

I realize that the poker table is a very expensive and completely unsympathetic place to work out my childhood turmoils. When I am feeling strong, I look for and attack the poor suckers who have the tell tale signs of being in poker therapy. And yet some nights my childhood gets the better of me. I am the sucker and have a very expensive poker therapy session.

You’d think by now I would pick a new place to work this out, but I have come to terms with the fact that from time to time I will find sadistic comfort in being picked on. I guess I am addicted to the rush of confrontation and the challenge of standing up to the bully. Even if the only person I am fighting with is myself.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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January 24, 2010

Some things don’t go well together. Connectivity and sit-n-go bubble strategy come to mind.

Filed under: Bad Beats, Full Tilt Poker, Online Poker, Poker, Texas Hold'em — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 4:00 am

There have been all sorts of things that keep me from playing my best poker online.   Mad at my boss.  Looking at too much porn. You get the picture.

Well, the other night was the first time my computer got the best of me.

I played a $24  + $2 Turbo 90 person tourney with a KO bonus of $4 per victim.  What the hell?  Seemed like fun.

Well, It was fun until I started getting disconnected every other hand.

Frustrated, I tried to dump my chips with A2 under the gun but I spiked an ace and knocked out my opponent. My first KO bonus. $4.  Cool.

I get disconnected again.  And again. And again.

I reconnect  and to my surprise I have aces and action.  Two guys are going all in.  It’s my turn to act.  My hand gets automatically folded.

Fuck.

Fuck you computer!  They would have held up too.  I would be the chip leader by a fucking mile.

I’m pissed. You have to take advantage of those spots.

We’re getting close to the bubble.  The guy I would have knocked out pushes.  He has me covered.  I have KK. We’re really close to the bubble, what to do?

I don’t have to tell you what happened .

Okay, I will. Out on the bubble.

I could’ve of waited, but I thought I was owed one because of those aces.  Where are my extra 40K in chips? I played like I had a rain check for a big winning hand.

It doesn’t work that way.  I let my computer put me on tilt. Sure, it sucked that I was having connectivity issues.  But I should have to reminded myself that my strategy for the end of the tournament had nothing to do with my connectivity issues.  Irrationally, I thought I had one in the bank. And I didn’t. Even though it felt good to blame my computer, it had nothing to do with why I lost that tournament.

I play poker is for the big scores.  It just eluded me last night.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

P.S. I played another one the next night and pulled a 4th.  I’ll take $200 in profit. Gotta love the KO Bounty paying your buy in. No connectivity issues either.

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January 23, 2010

Gung Ho or Don’t Go

Filed under: Online Poker, Poker, Texas Hold'em — Tags: , , , , , , , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 4:00 am

You can’t have ambivalence when you play poker. You are either gungho rock out with your cock out, or don’t play. Poker players sense weakness. If you display any softness, they WILL eat your balls. Trust me, it hurts.

Sometimes my family schedule opens up on a night when I am completely tired. It creates such conflict for me. The universe conspires to give me a free night, I should rally the troops and seize the free time. However, I don’t feel up for it. Herein lies the rub.

In truth, I can’t bear to pass the opportunity to play cards, even if I’m exhausted. I suddenly have the feeling that this will be the last time. If I don’t go now, I’ll never again experience the exhilaration of poker’s body drenching adrenaline rush. (That sounds gay).

Nine times out of ten I go, and nine times out of nine, I lose. Not only that, I start off losing.

After 2 buy-ins, I buckle down. By 2AM, I have actually rallied back to even. I consider leaving, but 2 things cross my mind. First, I hate the idea of playing poker for 6 hours and breaking even. It sounds stupid, but I would rather lose than break even. At least I have something to show for my time: an empty pocket. Second, if I leave now I will never ever in my whole life have the time, energy or means to come back. This will DEFINITELY be my last time ever playing poker. Since this IS my last time, might as well go out with a bang. A poker binge, if you will.

On these nights, I don’t leave until the absence of chips states the obvious. Pal, you’re done. At 4AM, I am $400 poorer and ask myself why the fuck I even went in the first place. 3o minutes later I am home. The moment I step through my front door, I wonder if I have any time next weekend to go back. Instantly I catch myself. What the fuck am I thinking?

If I wait until next weekend, life will get too complicated and I’ll never get there. Better go back tomorrow.

I play because I have the bug.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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January 22, 2010

Sometimes I need a break from Dockers and fat free salad dressing.

Filed under: Commerce Casino, Home Game, Online Poker, Poker, Winning Streak — Tags: , , , , , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 9:21 am

A man can not be sustained on good, wholesome family life alone.  Or, at least, I can’t.  On a regular basis I like to head to my local casino, Hollywood Park.  It’s not just for the poker either. The place is a real melting pot and I get to rub elbows with people from walks of life I may never have the chance to otherwise.

I know a lot of people that are alarmingly similar.  CPAs, dentists, and an assload of regional managers. As you might guess, this gets boring.  The casino, on the other hand, is full of characters that you would probably would never meet anywhere but the casino.

I love it.

Playing with people from all walks of life is what makes poker great.  I can’t think of a better common denominator. I learn more about humanity at the table than I would at a lifetime of Neighborhood Watch meetings.  Okay fine, I don’t go to Neighborhood Watch meetings. That’s what regional managers are for. Where else can I hear from an ex-gangleader the way to make money is buying foreclosed homes from HUD, Housing Urban Development or something like that.  Dude was a millionaire.   Or maybe he was lying.  Either way I don’t care.  I’m definitely not going to meet the rock tight porn director at one of these sushi rolling parties my wife tells me we’ve been invited to.  Actually maybe I would.  But at the sushi party he’s not going into the details of the girl on girl scene gone bad because one of the actresses had some bad ceviche for lunch.

I play poker to meet people I normally wouldn’t.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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January 14, 2010

Replay Hand – Curse and Blessing

Filed under: Bad Beats, Online Poker, Poker, Uncle Doug — Tags: , , , , — Why Do I Play Poker? @ 12:47 pm

“Man, you should play online. If you don’t play like a dick, you can win some cash. I turned $50 into $1500.” This is my uncle talking. He’s a retired hippy from the 60s. Now he’s a tattooed poker player who tells everyone at the casino that his nephew, that’s me, likes to pack fudge. If I hear him say this, my retort is that I only do it with him when he begs for it. But I digress. I took his advice about online poker and haven’t looked back since.

He was kinda right. I turned $50 into $600 in losses. Then I made some changes to my game and now I am a winning (only by a bit!) online poker player. Here’s how it went down.

I put $50 into a Full Tilt account and played $1 sit n gos. They were ridiculous because no one cared about the money. So I decided to go big, to the tables where my bets would be respected. That’s right, the $5 sit n gos. I have to admit, even at those low stakes my heart would pump like mad. I play for higher stakes in live games, but this just felt different.

It’s so easy to press the all in button. If you win, you can jump up and down and celebrate. If you lose, you can curse the screen and throw your mouse across the room. Better than that, there is no walk of shame. No awkward moments when you avoid eye contact with the players after a miserable defeat. No insincere, “nice hand”. You can click yourself off that table with those fuckers and click right into another game.

Needless to say the $50 went fast. But I was really getting off. People say online poker is rigged. Sometimes the beats are so unreal, I want to place the blame on something out of my control. Shit, it couldn’t my sucky play! More often than not, I made some fundamental error that put me in a bad spot. I know this because I am a big fan of the replay hand button. Watching me be a donkey, over and over again, as I replay hands hurts me ego in a big way, but it sure doesn’t hurt my game.

I play poker because I love learning and studying. Other than my family, nothing teaches me more about myself than poker. It forces me to stare in the mirror and ask, “Who’s the bitch now?”

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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